I remember once swapping emails with a guest speaker who came to Cuyahoga Valley Church, John Alan Turner, about how God’s people ought to handle disappointments.
What follows are some of his ideas intermingled with some of mine. Hopefully, the result is God-saturated, Bible-based, Christ-exalting help for you.
Label your disappointment. Call it “A.”
“A” can stand for the "Activating" event, the stuff that has happened to you to cause you pain. Or “A” can stand for the "Actions" of others that have hurt you. These are circumstances and situations that come to all of us and are often beyond our control.
The "A" might be that someone in your family has rejected you somehow. Maybe you want kids but haven’t been able to have them. Maybe you’re in a marriage with a difficult person. Maybe you are single and you’re not meeting anyone. Or maybe the one you’re interested in isn’t interested in you. Maybe you’ve had a miscarriage. Life isn’t playing out the way you hoped.
What’s your “A?” Now, how do you respond to “A?”
The "A" might be that someone in your family has rejected you somehow. Maybe you want kids but haven’t been able to have them. Maybe you’re in a marriage with a difficult person. Maybe you are single and you’re not meeting anyone. Or maybe the one you’re interested in isn’t interested in you. Maybe you’ve had a miscarriage. Life isn’t playing out the way you hoped.
What’s your “A?” Now, how do you respond to “A?”
Let’s label your response “C.”
“C” can stand for your "Comeback" or your "Counter" to the Activating event. It could stand for the "Condition" of your heart after “A” happens to you. “C” could stand for the "Conduct" of your life after “A” takes place. What’s the emotional "Consequence" of “A” for you? For a lot of us, it’s catastrophe or collapse or callousness or complaint.
John asked me, "Have you ever noticed how two people can go through the exact same 'A' and end up at a very different 'C'?"
If two people have a car wreck (“A”), one person might think. “God must be punishing me” (“C”) while another person thinks, “God sure was gracious in sparing my life” (a very different “C”). One person knows despair. The other has hope. What’s the difference?
John asked me, "Have you ever noticed how two people can go through the exact same 'A' and end up at a very different 'C'?"
If two people have a car wreck (“A”), one person might think. “God must be punishing me” (“C”) while another person thinks, “God sure was gracious in sparing my life” (a very different “C”). One person knows despair. The other has hope. What’s the difference?
What's between "A" and "C"? You got it! “B.” The difference is in their "Beliefs" about the character and nature of God.
Most of the time, we can’t change the “As,” the disappointments that come our way. Most of us think that disappointments actually make us respond a certain way. “Well, I should be ticked off or depressed or withdrawn. Look at how she’s treating me!” But Jesus has come into our lives to transform our “Cs” – the emotional "Consequences." Our “Cs” can change if we start believing what is true about God.
And you’ll be a much better person to live with in your family. You won’t be loading down everyone with your baggage.
Think with me. What was the “A” in Paul’s life In II Corinthians 12? It was the "thorn in the flesh" – the thing that he had prayed for God to remove. God said, “It’s staying.” Paul wanted it to be gone. It was some kind of disappointing "Activity" going on in his life.
What was the “C” in Paul’s life – the "Condition" of his heart, the "Conduct" of his life? A word jumps off the page at me in II Corinthians 12. Contentment.
Someone else could have had the same “A” – the same disappointing thorn in the flesh. They could have prayed for God to take it away. God could say, “It’s staying.” But the “C” for them – the "Condition" of their heart, the "Conduct" of their life can become the other “C.” Complaints. Conflict. Callousness.
Translate that into family life. Who would you like to live with? Paul’s “C”? Contentment? Or the other “C”? Complaints / Conflicts / Callousness?
What’s the difference? “B.” What you "Believe" about God.
Why did Paul end up with contentment in spite of his disappointment? He believed the truth about God.
Here’s what he says about what he "B" - Believes.
1. He believed that God is love.
I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too loving to ever be unkind.
Maybe as you read this, you are thinking about your mother wounds or father wounds. What you needed were parents who could give you guidance and direction with gentle wisdom. What you got were parents who either distant and uninvolved or who tried to live their lives through you. Or maybe they hurt you with their words. That’s your “A.” And there’s a sadness and a hurt that you carry with you. That’s your “C.” And maybe it’s hurting the people in your home. God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that I love you… even in spite of your “A”?
2. Paul believed that God is wise.
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how inscrutable His ways.
Romans 11:30 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too wise to ever make a mistake.
Maybe you can think back to your wedding day. You had such high hopes about having a great marriage. But now there’s a lack of intimacy in your relationship: Your wife is cold toward you. Your husband is locked in on his career, not you. And your needs aren’t being met. That’s your “A.” And you’ve been thinking about divorce. Your kids feel the distance between you. You don’t have energy, the passion to serve your family well. That’s your “C.” God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that what I’ve allowed in your life is wise?”
3. Paul believed that God is sovereign.
We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too sovereign to ever allow things in our lives that He can’t use for our good.
Maybe you prayed and asked God for kids who would leave your nest and make good choices. Now, you just shake your head at who they are dating or married to. Their career path doesn’t seem wise. How they spend their money and what they do with their time seems crazy to you. That’s your “A.” And you are putting all kinds of pressure on your kids to change, to meet your expectations. That’s your “C.” And they are running further and further away from God and from you. God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that I am sovereign and that I am going to be working all things together for good?”
See, you can't control the "A" in your life. But you can have a different "C." It all depends on your "B."
Most of the time, we can’t change the “As,” the disappointments that come our way. Most of us think that disappointments actually make us respond a certain way. “Well, I should be ticked off or depressed or withdrawn. Look at how she’s treating me!” But Jesus has come into our lives to transform our “Cs” – the emotional "Consequences." Our “Cs” can change if we start believing what is true about God.
And you’ll be a much better person to live with in your family. You won’t be loading down everyone with your baggage.
Think with me. What was the “A” in Paul’s life In II Corinthians 12? It was the "thorn in the flesh" – the thing that he had prayed for God to remove. God said, “It’s staying.” Paul wanted it to be gone. It was some kind of disappointing "Activity" going on in his life.
What was the “C” in Paul’s life – the "Condition" of his heart, the "Conduct" of his life? A word jumps off the page at me in II Corinthians 12. Contentment.
Someone else could have had the same “A” – the same disappointing thorn in the flesh. They could have prayed for God to take it away. God could say, “It’s staying.” But the “C” for them – the "Condition" of their heart, the "Conduct" of their life can become the other “C.” Complaints. Conflict. Callousness.
Translate that into family life. Who would you like to live with? Paul’s “C”? Contentment? Or the other “C”? Complaints / Conflicts / Callousness?
What’s the difference? “B.” What you "Believe" about God.
Why did Paul end up with contentment in spite of his disappointment? He believed the truth about God.
Here’s what he says about what he "B" - Believes.
1. He believed that God is love.
I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too loving to ever be unkind.
Maybe as you read this, you are thinking about your mother wounds or father wounds. What you needed were parents who could give you guidance and direction with gentle wisdom. What you got were parents who either distant and uninvolved or who tried to live their lives through you. Or maybe they hurt you with their words. That’s your “A.” And there’s a sadness and a hurt that you carry with you. That’s your “C.” And maybe it’s hurting the people in your home. God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that I love you… even in spite of your “A”?
2. Paul believed that God is wise.
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how inscrutable His ways.
Romans 11:30 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too wise to ever make a mistake.
Maybe you can think back to your wedding day. You had such high hopes about having a great marriage. But now there’s a lack of intimacy in your relationship: Your wife is cold toward you. Your husband is locked in on his career, not you. And your needs aren’t being met. That’s your “A.” And you’ve been thinking about divorce. Your kids feel the distance between you. You don’t have energy, the passion to serve your family well. That’s your “C.” God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that what I’ve allowed in your life is wise?”
3. Paul believed that God is sovereign.
We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 (ESV)
Paul knew that God is too sovereign to ever allow things in our lives that He can’t use for our good.
Maybe you prayed and asked God for kids who would leave your nest and make good choices. Now, you just shake your head at who they are dating or married to. Their career path doesn’t seem wise. How they spend their money and what they do with their time seems crazy to you. That’s your “A.” And you are putting all kinds of pressure on your kids to change, to meet your expectations. That’s your “C.” And they are running further and further away from God and from you. God has you reading this to ask you, “Do you really really believe that I am sovereign and that I am going to be working all things together for good?”
See, you can't control the "A" in your life. But you can have a different "C." It all depends on your "B."
So, which "B" - Belief - about God needs to change in you for you to get to a different "C"?
As a result of how you handle the disappointments in your family, you’re either going to be a draining person to live with or you’re going to be an energizing person to live with.
And the difference is your "B."
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