5 ways for followers of Christ to respond when a non-believer commits suicide
I recently received a question about suicide from someone who attends Cuyahoga Valley Church. She wrote, "I can only hope that there is not another person struggling with the questions I ask today. I am sure there are, though." She went on to share that a family member who, she said "was not a believer in God," had committed suicide.
My friend wondered what to say if she were asked if she believed whether or not this family member who has died is now in heaven. "Do I tell the truth? Do I wait to tell the truth? Should I be evasive for a period of time? My [loved ones are] hurting... When someone takes their own life everyone who is around that person feels a level of guilt as to what they could have done to prevent such a horrible thing."
My friend concluded, "I decided to share this pain today, because I know that others out there somewhere must be asking the same questions of their family members. I feel a bigger urgency to tell others about Jesus Christ, because today was a gift and we do not know what tomorrow brings."
Below is my response:
First of all, I am truly heartbroken over the pain that your family has experienced. You have a difficult ministry ahead because you're not only seeking to be a servant of Christ and a missionary for Him but you're also going through your own grief as well.
I wanted to take some time to craft a response. So, I've been processing your question for a long time today.
Below are a few thoughts for you to consider.
1. Be dependent
I think of Christ's words, "I am the vine. You are the branches. He who abides in Me bears much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). Of course, we must always be dependent on Christ. But it is especially true that we must be dependent on Christ when we are seeking to speak the truth in love to someone who is in the midst of a crisis and has experienced a terrible tragedy. When we abide in Christ - stay connected to Him – we can bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, kindness, and gentleness. We will have His wisdom. He will be able to, through the power of His Spirit, speak through us to others.
So, abide in Christ, be filled with His Spirit, pray without ceasing, and seek to be a conduit through which He can minister.
2. Be present
When we are confused about what to do or what to say it's tempting for us to keep our distance. But we are very much like Jesus when we choose to be present with someone in the midst of their troubles. After all, one of the names of Christ is Immanuel – God with us.
But let's not be like Job's friends who were present with him in the midst of his trouble but also felt like they had to say something. Over and over in Proverbs we are told to be careful not only about what we say but how much we speak.
So, like the brave NYC policemen and firemen on 9-11, do not run away from the trouble. Instead, run to it. But realize that your presence is a present and that many words will likely compound an already overwhelmingly tragic situation.
3. Be caring
Unfortunately, I've had the opportunity to speak at funeral services and memorial services of people who did not profess Christ. It's one of the most difficult assignments in ministry.
I have learned that it is not only unhelpful but unloving to make pronouncements about the eternal destiny of the deceased.
It is absolutely true that "no one comes to the Father unless he comes through [Jesus]" (John 14:6). But regarding the destiny of your loved one, do we know for sure what happened in his heart before death?
From your post, it appears as though you have been faithful witness for Christ to him. It also appears that this young man had not, as far as you know, responded to the gospel.
Even though there is evidence that he did not respond to Jesus and no evidence that he did respond to Jesus, we can still have a slender thread of hope because he had heard the truth.
So, I think it's legitimate, when we are asked where we think the person is, heaven or hell, to say, "I don't know. Only God knows. We do know that the Bible says that the God of the universe will do what's right. So, let's leave the eternal destiny of our loved one in the hands of God."
4. Be honest
When the time is right, you can also say, "I don't know where our loved one is right now. But I do know that those of us who are still here need Jesus.
"One time, Jesus lost a dear friend to death. And here's what He said to a family member in grief, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?' (John 11:25-26).
"Jesus also said this about Himself, 'The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit' (Isaiah 61:1-3a).
"Now is the time for all of us to turn to Jesus. He is present. He is available to help us with any guilt that we may feel, any hurts we may have, any fears we may hold. He is the way. He is the truth. He is the life. He's the One who gives us access to the Father. He is the Shepherd who helps us walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
Again, we don't have to pronounce an eternal destiny for the deceased. But we can lift up Jesus to those who are still alive because he is the Pardon for our past, the Pattern for our present, and the Power for the future.
5. Be Christian
We have taught at CVC about the Biblical meta-narrative: how His Story is the center of history. The Story of Jesus helps us make sense out of nonsense... like this tragedy.
So, what the survivors need to hear and apply is the medicine of the gospel.
No doubt you will have many conversations in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead about this tragedy and the effects of it. You dare not minimize the pain of this tragic brokenness. As you do, always seek to have the heart of Jesus. Be His hands, feet, and arms. Let your voice be His.
As you speak the truth in love, be full of grace and truth like Jesus. And somehow, try to avoid being caught up in word games and in the twists and turns of the conversations. Keep gently turning the conversation back to Jesus. "I don't know the answers to all the questions. But I do know that Jesus has changed me. And I do believe that He alone can fill up the hole in all of our hearts. I do believe that when our family tragedy happened, it hurt His heart, too. My prayer is that we will all keep turning to Him."
These are a few of my thoughts. I would also encourage you to participate in Grief Share at CVC. I have already reached out to our Grief Share leadership and asked for some resources that might help you. Our leaders also mentioned that Cornerstone of Hope in Independence is also an excellent place to find help during a crisis like your family is facing.
Please know, dear sister, you are in my prayers.
I recently received a question about suicide from someone who attends Cuyahoga Valley Church. She wrote, "I can only hope that there is not another person struggling with the questions I ask today. I am sure there are, though." She went on to share that a family member who, she said "was not a believer in God," had committed suicide.
My friend wondered what to say if she were asked if she believed whether or not this family member who has died is now in heaven. "Do I tell the truth? Do I wait to tell the truth? Should I be evasive for a period of time? My [loved ones are] hurting... When someone takes their own life everyone who is around that person feels a level of guilt as to what they could have done to prevent such a horrible thing."
My friend concluded, "I decided to share this pain today, because I know that others out there somewhere must be asking the same questions of their family members. I feel a bigger urgency to tell others about Jesus Christ, because today was a gift and we do not know what tomorrow brings."
Below is my response:
First of all, I am truly heartbroken over the pain that your family has experienced. You have a difficult ministry ahead because you're not only seeking to be a servant of Christ and a missionary for Him but you're also going through your own grief as well.
I wanted to take some time to craft a response. So, I've been processing your question for a long time today.
Below are a few thoughts for you to consider.
1. Be dependent
I think of Christ's words, "I am the vine. You are the branches. He who abides in Me bears much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). Of course, we must always be dependent on Christ. But it is especially true that we must be dependent on Christ when we are seeking to speak the truth in love to someone who is in the midst of a crisis and has experienced a terrible tragedy. When we abide in Christ - stay connected to Him – we can bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, kindness, and gentleness. We will have His wisdom. He will be able to, through the power of His Spirit, speak through us to others.
So, abide in Christ, be filled with His Spirit, pray without ceasing, and seek to be a conduit through which He can minister.
2. Be present
When we are confused about what to do or what to say it's tempting for us to keep our distance. But we are very much like Jesus when we choose to be present with someone in the midst of their troubles. After all, one of the names of Christ is Immanuel – God with us.
But let's not be like Job's friends who were present with him in the midst of his trouble but also felt like they had to say something. Over and over in Proverbs we are told to be careful not only about what we say but how much we speak.
So, like the brave NYC policemen and firemen on 9-11, do not run away from the trouble. Instead, run to it. But realize that your presence is a present and that many words will likely compound an already overwhelmingly tragic situation.
3. Be caring
Unfortunately, I've had the opportunity to speak at funeral services and memorial services of people who did not profess Christ. It's one of the most difficult assignments in ministry.
I have learned that it is not only unhelpful but unloving to make pronouncements about the eternal destiny of the deceased.
It is absolutely true that "no one comes to the Father unless he comes through [Jesus]" (John 14:6). But regarding the destiny of your loved one, do we know for sure what happened in his heart before death?
From your post, it appears as though you have been faithful witness for Christ to him. It also appears that this young man had not, as far as you know, responded to the gospel.
Even though there is evidence that he did not respond to Jesus and no evidence that he did respond to Jesus, we can still have a slender thread of hope because he had heard the truth.
So, I think it's legitimate, when we are asked where we think the person is, heaven or hell, to say, "I don't know. Only God knows. We do know that the Bible says that the God of the universe will do what's right. So, let's leave the eternal destiny of our loved one in the hands of God."
4. Be honest
When the time is right, you can also say, "I don't know where our loved one is right now. But I do know that those of us who are still here need Jesus.
"One time, Jesus lost a dear friend to death. And here's what He said to a family member in grief, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?' (John 11:25-26).
"Jesus also said this about Himself, 'The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit' (Isaiah 61:1-3a).
"Now is the time for all of us to turn to Jesus. He is present. He is available to help us with any guilt that we may feel, any hurts we may have, any fears we may hold. He is the way. He is the truth. He is the life. He's the One who gives us access to the Father. He is the Shepherd who helps us walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
Again, we don't have to pronounce an eternal destiny for the deceased. But we can lift up Jesus to those who are still alive because he is the Pardon for our past, the Pattern for our present, and the Power for the future.
5. Be Christian
We have taught at CVC about the Biblical meta-narrative: how His Story is the center of history. The Story of Jesus helps us make sense out of nonsense... like this tragedy.
So, what the survivors need to hear and apply is the medicine of the gospel.
No doubt you will have many conversations in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead about this tragedy and the effects of it. You dare not minimize the pain of this tragic brokenness. As you do, always seek to have the heart of Jesus. Be His hands, feet, and arms. Let your voice be His.
As you speak the truth in love, be full of grace and truth like Jesus. And somehow, try to avoid being caught up in word games and in the twists and turns of the conversations. Keep gently turning the conversation back to Jesus. "I don't know the answers to all the questions. But I do know that Jesus has changed me. And I do believe that He alone can fill up the hole in all of our hearts. I do believe that when our family tragedy happened, it hurt His heart, too. My prayer is that we will all keep turning to Him."
These are a few of my thoughts. I would also encourage you to participate in Grief Share at CVC. I have already reached out to our Grief Share leadership and asked for some resources that might help you. Our leaders also mentioned that Cornerstone of Hope in Independence is also an excellent place to find help during a crisis like your family is facing.
Please know, dear sister, you are in my prayers.
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