A Review: When Narcissism Comes to Church

When Narcissism Comes to Church: 

Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse 

a review by Rick Duncan

My friend and colleague, Dr. Mike Misja of North Coast Family Foundation, told me about this book written by Chuck DeGroat. Mike has led a pastor’s forum in NE Ohio for over 25 years. I count it a great blessing to have been a member of that group since its inception. Every pastor should have a safe environment where he can unpack his story in a challenging and affirming place of grace. Mike has created that culture for us. So, whenMike recommends a book that speaks to issues of the heart, I take note.

I purchased the book and devoured it when it arrived. DeGroat is professor of pastoral care and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland, Michigan. He’s served as a pastor at churches in Orlando and San Francisco. He is a licensed therapist, a spiritual director, and had been an assessor of churchplanters. 

As a trainer of church planters for the North American Mission Board, I quickly noted that page after page referenced church planters and planter assessments. I counted over 20 references to church planting. DeGroat writes, “I am convinced that the missional fervor and rise in church planting we’ve witnessed since the 1980s can be correlated with a growing prevalence of narcissism. Nowhere have I seen the narcissism-shame dynamic more pronounced than among church planters, some of whom have become megachurch pastors. Some church planting assessments I’ve seen practically invite narcissistic leadership. My work in this area as a therapist, pastor, consultant, psychological assessor, and professor over many years persuades me that the narcissism in many young men in particular is baptized as spiritual giftedness in a way that does great disservice to them and ignores deep wells of shame and fragility lurking within” (p. 8).

In our passion to see the Kingdom advance, souls saved, and churches planted, we often look for “first round draft picks” to plant our churches. In the process, we unwittingly promote addictive and destructive behaviors by applauding the ministries of our most successful planters. Could it be that when we build out the schedule for our “how to plant a church” conferences we sometimes actually put our most narcissistic leaders front and center? DeGroat says, “When I started doing psychological assessments for pastors and church planters, I saw that narcissistic traits were often presented as strengths. Narcissism can be interpreted as confidence, strong leadership, clear vision, a thick skin… A colleague of mine often says that ministry is a magnet for a narcissistic personality – who else would want to speak on behalf of God every week” (p. 19)?

Church planting is especially attractive to people with narcissistic tendencies. When a church planter starts a church, he is at the center of attention. Then, as the church grows, he can created systems and structures that protect and feed narcissistic tendencies. DeGroat writes, “In my own work, which includes fifteen years of psychological testing on pastors, the vast majority of ministerial candidates test on the spectrum of cluster B DSM-V personality disorders, which feature narcissistic traits most prominently... The rates are even higher among church planters” (p. 19).

The reason this is so important to address is because church planters who do not see their narcissistic tendencies and deal with them will end up doing great damage to themselves, to their families, to their followers, and to the Kingdom cause. DeGroat observes, “Narcissistic pastors are anxious and insecure shepherds who do not lead the sheep to still waters but into hurricane winds. I’ve attended and spoken at dozens of pastor’s conferences and I see this anxiety abuzz in the comparison and competition, the showmanship and dress, the addiction to substances and fitness and social media and approval” (p. 20).

As I read the book, I listed 15 Traits of Narcissistic Church Planters...

1. An anxious, hyper-vigilant leadership that is controlling. 

2. An impatient inability to listen and collaborate. 

3. A habit of creating a false narrative where his impatience is called decisiveness and his harshness is called leadership. 

4. An inability to empower others to lead in their spheres of influence causing them to feel disempowered and demoralized. 

5. Feelings of entitlement so that the normal checks and balances don’t apply to him. 

6. Bravado that masks an insecurity that he might be exposed as incapable or deficient. 

7. A capacity to feign connection in order to woo  followers. 

8. A desire to be the best and the brightest in the room while claiming to be a humble servant of the Lord. 

9. A condescending attitude toward other churches, pastors, planters, and networks. 

10. A skill in hiring quality talent to accomplish his brilliant vision for his church. 

11. A practice of announcing the next big thing before completion of the last big thing resulting in a tired, overwhelmed team. 

12. A willingness to receive all the praise for the successes and to give all the blame to others for any failures. 

13. The practice of keeping others off balance by creating a confusing vacillation between his praise and his criticism. 

14. The repeated intimidation of others causing them to end up feeling worn down and disheartened. 

15. The use of spiritual language – “We’re all broken and need the gospel” and “I’m a mess like you” - that has the appearance of transparency but is actually a manipulative way to groom listeners toward empathy and trust, i.e. “Faux-vulnerability.” (List built from When Narcissism Comes to Church, pp. 67–86) 

We must help our planters recognize the seeds of narcissism in their own souls. We must help our assessors, trainers, coaches, and mentors be equipped to call out narcissism and point our planters to a pathway toward great spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Our planters need a pathway to greater spiritual, emotional, and psychological shalom. DeGroat writes, “Amid the busyness of our lives, who among us has the time or energy to mine the depths of our stories? My answer is, who among us can afford to neglect our story” (p. 141)?

DeGroat uses the Exodus story as a pattern for healing from destructive narcissistic patterns of leadership. He writes, “The Exodus story allows us to see ourselves, and our congregations, as pilgrims on a healing journey. It invites us to see the enslavement that keeps us from thriving. It invites us to be brave enough to cry out toGod. It invites to the risky journey, fleeing what is familiar for an unpredictable path ahead. It invites us to have patience in the face of a long and winding wilderness road. It invites us to lament in the face of continued pain. It invites us to resolve to enter a new land, a hope-filled place of flourishing. Indeed, all stories of transformation necessarily take us on a cruciform (cross-shaped) journey imitating the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, as we become participants in his suffering in order to experience his resurrection” (p. 133). 

I took the liberty to summarize DeGroat’s description of the path of the Exodus story. One, take whatever Egypt you’re living in seriously. Two, cry out to God to awaken his rescuing response. Three, allow God to stir longings and imaginations in you for a more spacious place of flourishing. Four, realize that your escape from terror will come through plague and bloodshed as God paves the way for you. Five, be prepared to experience the frightening backlash of other narcissists around you. Six, travel through a wilderness of painful growth and transformation. Seven, realize God is calling you into a new identity. Eight, embrace the vacillations of your emotions as you experience a lovely oasis followed by a season of deprivation. Nine, listen to a wise guide who can offer you a sense of direction for your journey just as Moses brought the law to Israel. Ten, remember that the promised land isn’t a magical place a perpetual cheer but a new space of inner freedom and relational flourishing (from pp. 133-137). 

In our rush to plant as many churches as possible to reach as many people as possible, we must beware that a hurried and frenzied approach to assessment, training, coaching, and mentoring can backfire. DeGroat observes, “Many of us find ourselves too busy, too habituated to the demands of modern life, too out of touch with deeper emotions to take our stories seriously and to embark on a healing journey... Healing requires radical honesty with ourselves and the courage to follow through on the wilderness path [to healing]. Perhaps the two most important components of healing trauma are awareness and intentionality. Because trauma thrives in the shadows, awareness and intentionality are often neglected for self-promotion, disconnection, and self-sabotage” (p. 141).

DeGroat has written an honest book in which he admits that he sees tendencies toward narcissism in his own life. He calls us all to look for evidences of our own narcissistic patterns. But he offers hope. “As I round the corner of fifty years old, I find myself sitting with Jesus more closely than I did even a decade ago. The compassionate, humble Savior of the world didn’t scheme, showed no grandiosity, and loved courageously, revealing the heart of God. I’m more convinced today that his smile is the deep cure for our pervasive shame. I rest in the love of the one who sees me, even when I hide, pursuing boundlessly. I have unrelenting hope because nothing can ultimately separate us from his infinitely available love” (p. 172).

You can pick up the book here.