7 strategies for a man's man to strengthen his marriage

Draw an X/Y axis. (X to the left and Y to the sky!) To the extreme left, write "milquetoast." To the extreme right, write "sledgehammer." At the bottom, write "door mat." At the top, write "brick wall."

Keep reading to find out what this diagram has to do with you and your marriage. But let me give you a little context first. 

Recently, I had breakfast with a young leader. I asked, "So, how are things at home?" He began to open up a bit about some struggles in his marriage. 

He admitted that one of the problems in his marriage was that because of the busy-ness of life, he was too focused on his own agendas and had not been actively pursuing his wife. Another way to say this? Male passivity.

Male passivity began in Genesis 3 at the fall – in the garden. Adam did not speak up when Eve was tempted. He was silent when he should have been screaming a protective "No!" Go ahead. Read that story. And ask yourself, "Where was Adam?"

That's when the heart of the husband’s problem became the problem of the husband’s heart. (And the heart of the wife’s problem became the problem of the wife’s heart.) God’s perfect plan for marriage was marred.

Instead of husbands leading with love, we fell to one of two extremes – sometimes vacillating between them both. Milquetoast man or sledgehammer man. And instead of wives responding with passion, they fell to one of two extremes – sometimes vacillating between them both. Door mat woman or brick wall woman.

And so, sin wrecks our families. The problems in our hearts make for problems in the home.

There’s the milquetoast husband/door mat wife marriage.
There’s the sledge hammer husband/door mat wife marriage.
There’s the milquetoast husband/brick wall marriage.
There’s the sledge hammer husband/brick wall marriage.

Which one best describes your marriage? In which quadrant would you place your marriage? 

Husbands, God wants you to lead with tenderness. (Wives, God wants you to respond with passion.) A real man is not passive or abusive. A real man is not impotent or on steroids. A real man leads lovingly. A real man takes initiative with tenderness.

Unfortunately, most men are far more comfortable at taking the initiative in the marketplace than they are in the home. On the job, men develop mission statements, set goals, solve problems, coordinate staff meetings, establish new strategies, create, innovate. They move! But at home, they freeze… until they get mad and then they explode. There is a male leadership vacuum in our homes and in the church and in the culture at large.

So, what can we do? 

1) Start with repentance. 
2) Read your Bible daily. 
3) Continue to pray for help. 
4) Meditate on the way Jesus lived out His masculinity. 
5) Begin some friendships with some men that are passionate about overcoming their passivity. 
6) Join a Men's LifeGroup this fall at CVC. 
7) Consider accessing a PREPARE/ENRICH  marriage inventory. (You can access this by contacting our office at CVC at connect@cvconline.org and asking how you and your spouse can take the inventory.)

So, men, what's your strategy to overcome the fallen pull toward passivity?

Let's turn the words of Pastor Robert Lewis into a prayer for our lives. "Lord, give us grace to reject passivity, accept responsibility, lead courageously, and expect the greater reward."