For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a winner – to succeed. I was pretty good at baseball, a pretty good student, and, as a kid, a pretty good musician. Somehow, I started to believe that to get the approval and applause of important people in my life – parents, coaches, teachers – I had to perform at a pretty high level.
So, I became driven. For many years, I was able to keep up the facade of competence. I received a scholarship to play baseball in college. After graduation, I spent a few years playing baseball professionally. I was seen as one of the good guys. I got married and started a family.
Then, I went into the ministry as a career. I thought, “I didn’t make it to the major leagues in baseball, but I’ll make it to the major leagues as a minister, as a husband, as a dad.” Deep inside, I felt like I didn’t quite measure up – like I didn’t quite do anything good enough.
So, I developed a “do more, try harder” identity. If I wasn’t worthy, at least my act could be worthy. I got some measure of respect, applause, and appreciation. And I became even more driven.
What I didn’t understand was that driven people – like me – might gain admiration from others, but, in the process, lose connection with others.
The pressure to perform began to take its toll. Life wasn’t as enjoyable or restful as it should have been. The pressure to perform was always on. And because of that, I wasn’t truly life-giving for the people around me. I remember the day when my oldest son said, “Why do you work so much? Why aren’t you at home more on weekends with us?” My driven-ness to succeed was doing damage to the people I loved the most.
It didn’t have to be that way.
As a child, my parents made sure they took me to church. I learned that having a personal relationship with Jesus can give you peace and purpose as well as eternal life. I knew I had broken God’s laws and deserved to be separated from Him forever. I knew God sent His Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life and to die on the cross to forgive me. I knew that He rose and that if I confessed my sins and trusted Jesus, He would forgive me and send His Holy Spirit to live in me and change me.
So, one night, I told my dad I wanted to receive Jesus. He led me to pray, “Dear Jesus, I know I have sinned. I believe You came and died on the cross to forgive me. Come into my heart and change me. Help me be who You want me to be.”
I believe He changed me that night. But I unnecessarily carried that performance-based baggage for many years. No matter how well things went in my life or ministry, I wasn’t satisfied. I thought, “I’ll have to do better next time.” I wanted to be “big league” in everything. It wasn’t a good way to live.
God began to teach me more about what it means to be loved unconditionally by Him. Someone encouraged me to go to some counseling training. I thought that I was going to learn to help others. Instead, I gained a whole lot of insight about myself – how I was driven by shame that I wasn’t good enough and how I adopted a persona of competence that I hoped would win me approval. Later, I read what God has to say about how to find true significance in life and about how to live with the pressure off.
I still want to succeed and win. But I can honestly say that it’s becoming more and more about God and less and less about me.
Now I realize that I have great worth apart from my performance – apart from my success or lack of it – simply because Christ gave His life for me and imparted great value to me. No matter how badly I perform, I know that I am deeply loved and fully pleasing to God. The pressure is off. And I’m enjoying ministry and life more than ever.
There are times when I still fall into old patterns of life. Sometimes, my relationships and my career don’t go the way I want them to go. And I often blame myself for things I didn’t do or for things I did. The pressure to perform perfectly starts to mount again. And I lose my joy.
But during those times, I often remind myself that Jesus is my friend, my Savior who says, “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
Has anything like this ever happened for you?
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