When coaches call it quits

In light of some conversations about the message on Titus 1:10-16 and Titus 3:9-11 on Sunday, I though I'd repost an older post that sheds some more light on when and how and why to avoid a bad guy in the church.

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Mark Price was the best free throw shooter in the history of the NBA. All the people who coached him did amazing work. And he was teachable. Look at all the guys in the NBA who shoot less than 70% from the free throw line and it's obvious that not everyone in the NBA is as coachable as Mark Price. Question: Should a coach ever call it quits when it comes to an unteachable player?

Today, a friend from Florida wrote to me about some conflict he's experiencing. He's basically wondering, "Is it ever OK to not answer concerns from people that flow from jealousy and past hurts?"

His question echoes one I've been wrestling with: When should you engage in discussion with someone and when do you withdraw? One night, I spent 2 hours just reading Proverbs 10-31 with that question in mind.

Proverbs indicates that we should refuse to argue with an unteachable person. "If a wise man has an argument with a fool (ewil), the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet" (Proverbs 29:9). Ewil is a word characterizing a long-standing fool – a nagging, whining, “my way or no way” person, a person who is crusty and unbendable. (From “Fool-proofing your Life, by Jan Silvious, p. 32)

Proverbs also teaches us to take into account past efforts to confront. "A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool (kesil)" (Proverbs 17:10). Kesil describes someone with a closed mind. This kind of individual is stubborn and rejects information and feedback from others. (From “Fool-proofing your Life, by Jan Silvious, p. 30)

Proverbs also tells us that there are times to leave the presence of a difficult person. "Leave the presence of a fool (kesil), for there you do not meet words of knowledge" (Proverbs 14:7).

Imagine that you are a coach. A coach can only work with teachable people. If you are a basketball coach and you have a player on your team who struggles with free throw shooting, you’d likely encourage him to point the shooting elbow toward the target. If, over an extended period of time, he insists on aiming the elbow out and away from the target, then at some point, you just have to say, “Well, this guy doesn’t really want to hear from me. I’m for him. I hope the percentage of his free throw shots made increases. But I’m done trying to coach him. Maybe I can coach others, but not him. I’m done.” Then, you move on to work with a teachable player. If things are divisive enough, if he’s undermining your authority, you may have to become comfortable with the fact that he’s not a good fit for your team.

It's easy to see this in the world of sports. It's tougher to see this in ministry. After all, we are supposed to live in unity, right? But sometimes, it's not possible. Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Like everyone, I have found myself in challenging relationships with people. I've tried lots of strategies to deal with the challenges over a lengthy period of time. I’ve laughed with them. I’ve cried with them. I’ve admonished them. I’ve encouraged them. I’ve begged them. I’ve tried subtle tactics with them. I’ve been straightforward with them. I've tried my best to work things out with them.

But sometimes people just don’t agree with me. They simply aren’t responding well to me. In my mind, they just don’t get it. And I’m sure that in their mind, I just don’t get it. They want to play the game their way. A basketball coach might say, "They don’t want to use my system."

I have found that sometimes people are truly unwilling to hear from us. In those cases, the verses above that I've sited from Proverbs teach that we may not be responsible to keep trying to build a bridge into that person’s life. They are free to go their way. And we are free to work with players who want to be a part of our team’s system.

In those cases, we can support them and pray for them and wish them well. We can forgive them for past hurts. We can ask for forgiveness about any hurts that we may have caused. But having further discussions about ministry is likely unnecessary, fruitless, and, perhaps even harmful.