When your spouse wants to attend another church

A few months ago, I posted the following on my blog:

How do you think a pastor should handle it when people want to leave the church? Here’s how one pastor, Steven Furtick, says we should handle it. He says, “Let’em walk.” Sometimes, I wish I could be more the way he describes. But when people leave CVC, it rips out my heart.

Today, a person had a coment/question:

My comment is on leaving the church. How do you know what Church you should attend when the spouse wants to attend another church? It is dividing my family. What can I do other than praying and asking God for guidance?

Here's my reply:

First, I am very sorry that this problem is creating division in your family. I have prayed that you begin to more and more know God's peace and harmony in your heart and home.

Second, couples should work on making mutual decisions whenever possible. So, ask God for the grace to come to a mutual decision.

Third, if you can't come to a mutual decision, apply the principles in marriage that are found in Ephesians 5.

Ephesians 5:21 says, "[Submit] to one another out of reverence for Christ." Don't miss this. Submission is not just a woman's thing. And it's not just a man's thing. It's a Christian thing. It's for every follower of Christ.

Now, there's a way that submission plays itself out in the life of the wife. And there's a different way that it plays itself out in the life of the husband. But the over-arching attitude in the home of Christ-followers is a kind of mutual submission. The husband is looking at his wife and is asking, "How can I serve her?" The wife is looking at her husband and is asking, "How can I serve him?"

Now, with that general attitude, how do husbands and wives complement each other? Is there supposed to be any difference between the role of the wife and the role of the husband in marriage? Is there supposed to be a leadership structure? Is there some uniquely feminine way for a wife to receive and respond to her husband not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually? Is there some uniquely masculine way for a husband to move toward his wife not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually? Is there a difference between men and women that extends beyond the body into the soul?

Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Submission does not mean that the wife never opens her mouth, never has an opinion, or never gives advice. Submission does not mean that the wife is inferior to the husband. Jesus Christ was not inferior to Mary and Joseph, and yet Luke 2:51 says that as a child, "[Jesus] continued in subjection to them." Submission does not mean that the wife allows her abilities to lie dormant. Proverbs 31 talks about the ideal woman, a very capable woman. She's into real estate and investments as well as into sewing and raising kids.

The submission of the wife is a spiritual thing. Look at the verse. It is to be done ''as to the Lord." A wife looks at her submission to her husband as an act of obedience primarily to Christ and not primarily to her husband.

Why do this? Ephesians 5:23 says, "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." Why does the Bible present different roles? Men and women are good at different things. We're not talking about who should take care of the check book or who should wash the dishes or who should vacuum the carpet or who should cut the grass. Ephesians 5 isn't talking about stereotypical roles.

Notice in this verse, the husband is called the "head." If you know a little about the Bible, this ought to remind you of the order of creation. Genesis is the first book of the Bible. The word "head" takes us back there. One meaning of this word "head" is the idea of "source." God created Adam. Then He created Eve from Adam.

Let me explain it this way. The Greek word "head" is like our word authority. The word "authority" comes from the word "author." For example, I have this blog. I post some of my thoughts on the web. If you read something I wrote and you don't understand it, you can come to author, to the source, to me. I can speak with authority about my blog because I wrote it.

So, "head" means "source." And with that comes a responsibility. As an author has authority,
so the head has authority. Every team must have a captain, and every home a leader, and God has established things in such a way that this responsibility falls to the man.

Ephesians 5:24 says, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." In everything? Yes. Everything that doesn't conflict with God's will. "Submit" here cannot mean unconditional obedience when it comes to violating God's will. In Acts 5, some followers of Jesus are told by the civil authorities to stop talking about Jesus. And Romans 13 says that believers should always obey civil authority. But in Acts 5 the disciples say, "We must obey God rather than man."

No human authority must ever be obeyed unconditionally. If you are asking me to do what God says not to do or if you are asking me not to do what God says to do, then I have to obey God rather than man. So, if a husband says, "Hey, help me rob this bank," a wife has to say, "No." If a husband says, "Hey, don't tell the cops after I beat you," a wife has to say, "No." A wife is to be subject like the church is subject to Christ. And Christ never leads the church to do something contrary to God's will.

And submission does not mean that a wife does not take part in consensus decision-making. It doesn't mean that a wife just runs errands and smiles. If a couple never argues about anything, then they aren't really completing each other. To complement each other means that wives and husbands sometimes have to go after each other, challenge each other, warn each other, persuade each other. Sometimes, couples have to duke it out.

And if you can't come to an agreement, then God wants the husband to assume the responsibility to cast the deciding vote.

Now, what gives him the moral authority to do that? Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." A husband cannot demand headship, he earns it. And this is the way he earns it. He sacrifices himself for his wife like Jesus did for the church. What kind of head is the husband supposed to be? The husband's role is to lead as Christ leads the Church. He is to seek his wife's best, even at his own expense. He is to be a Servant-Leader.

A husband is not at all entitled to headship if he is not loving his wife sacrificially. He can't take it; he just receives it. He can't demand it; he earns it. He must live a sacrificial life. He doesn't deserve leadership unless he does. If you are a husband and you want headship, then love your wife sacrificially until she gives it.

The man's role isn't about rank, but responsibility. It's about sacrificing all for the family, not selfishness. His concern is not for himself; his concern is not to give orders, to boss other people around, to have his own way. His concern is to meet the needs of others.

The husband has the responsibility to initiate, nurture, and maintain love in the marriage. In too many marriages the wife has assumed the initiating role, not because she wants the position, but because she is afraid that the car is about to careen off the road, since her husband has vacated the seat or has fallen asleep at the wheel.

Ephesians 5:26 tells us the goal, the result in loving his wife like Christ loved the church, "That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word..." There's not oppression here. It's not possible. The husband, like Jesus does for the church, is helping his wife be more and more holy.

Ephesians 5:27 says, "So that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." The man's role isn't about rank, but responsibility. It's about empowering the wife, empowering the family.

Now, with all that as a background, I would recommend that you defer the decision until you are growing in your capacity to fulfill these roles within your marriage. You'll never arrive. But be growing. And once you get the sense that Jesus is pleased with how you are fulfilling your responsibilities as husband and wife, then discuss once again the decision about whether or not to leave your church. If you can't come to a mutual agreement, then let the husband cast the deciding vote.

If you decide to leave your current church, then check out a previous post for a little advice on how to leave a church.

May you know the shalom of the Lord.