Testimony from a rape victim

Yesterday, I read a testimony from someone at CVC who was a victim of rape. I asked for permission to publish her story on my blog. I trust it will be a real source of encouragement to some who have also suffered any kind of abuse. Her story is raw, real, insightful and honest. I am so grateful that God is working so powerfully in the life of this wonderful woman of God. And I am grateful for the amazing people she has met and learned from at CVC. To God alone be the glory.

This testimony was prompted by a tough question from a Saturday night UpClose service: "If God is always present, what do we say to a person who was physically or sexually abused and asks, 'Where was God when I needed His protection?'"

I have a friend, Dr. Mike Misja of North Coast Family Foundation. Mike just came back from a mission trip to Pakistan. He taught on the topic of “suffering” for a group missionaries there. I emailed Mike, “In just a few words, how would you answer that question?”

He wrote, “I don't have a good answer to your question. Though for His own reasons, God chooses [sometimes] to not intervene, it should not be implied that He is removed from our suffering and pain. Since the Holy Spirit lives within us, a case can be made that He experiences our suffering along side and within us, embracing the pain and tragedy of evil's assault. A key difference between Him and us is that He is able to understand His eventual redemptive use of the suffering. We must believe it by faith-which is given to us by Him.”

What you are going to read is a God-honoring illustration of someone who is beginning to understand "His eventual redemptive use of the suffering."

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For years and years I thought God must have hated me for letting my abuse happen. I always asked, "Where was God for the hours that that man raped and hurt me. Where? Why?" I thought God Was No Where for so long!!!

About a year after the rape, I received Jesus as my Savior. I have no doubt that my salvation was genuine, but I had so much hurt, pain, and shame locked inside of me. I was told then to give it to God. That sounds all fine and well, but how was I suppose to do that when I didn't understand why God didn't stop what happened?

It hasn't been until this past year at Cuyahoga Valley Church (CVC) that I have realized God was there then. I may not have felt it or understood it, but I know it because "God is now here" in my life. This past year I have seen the hand of God work in my life. It is because of CVC and some of the people in it.

Never did I think I would ever deal with what happened in my past because it was so buried. But God moved through a CVC Bible Study and the ladies in it.

Life is hard right now because I am working through the abuse, the shame, and the hurt. It is different now though because I know God is here now.

Was He there that night? Yes. Why He didn't stop it somehow? We don't have those answers. I can't get stuck there, though, because I wouldn't be where I am right now in my life if none of that happened.

I keep thinking of a puzzle and the pieces. My life is a giant puzzle. I don't understand all the pieces but they are fitting together. Do I wish some of the pieces were different? Yes.

I didn't want to be raped, but I survived that night and that is one way I know He was there. He is here now in my life. And I know He was there then.

How did God feel about what was happening? I am sure He cried, probably wept. What didn't occur to me until recently was that He probably wept over the abuser as well - over what he was doing. That probably broke God's heart as much as seeing what I went through.

I am working through all of this. It is hard but I have great people in my life now such as the women in my Bible Study and the people of CVC. I wish I would have had someone to talk to or read about when I was 16. I would have not felt so alone and maybe a little more normal.

The pain is not erased and the memories are not forgotten, but God is walking with me daily through this. It is much easier to bear when walking with God when dealing with rape and abuse.
Satan knows exactly what to do - what thoughts to put in my head to make me think God didn't care about me. But God did care then and He does now.

One big thing that I have also recently learned is that "God does not waste suffering." I look at some of the people that have been able to help me and know some of what they have endured. God did not waste their suffering at all. They have been able to help me.

I am sure that their are plenty of other people that sit in congregations every week that have some of these same hurts regarding sexual abuse. It is horrible.

For me, part of the horror was an aloneness that I cannot describe. The shame is so over-powering. God does not want me to live that way.

Through studying God's word, I have seen what God intended for me to be. Unfortunately, so much from the rape changed that. Now, I am trudging through all of this the best I can. I want my little girl to know that God is now her in her life as well. I want to be the best mom and wife that I can be.

I can't do this on my own. I tried for years and I didn't get anywhere. I need God. I don't blame God anymore and I am not mad at Him. I love Him and I need Him in my life.

He didn't intend me to live weighed down with the shame, hurt, sadness, and fear that came with being raped. That is not what He wants for my life or for anyone.

I don't understand why what happened did but it did. I have faith in God that He will get me through this and use it somehow. I know I can't let go of Him.

This past year has been life changing for me. I am not turning back. Life is VERY hard right now but I am now leaning on God. I know HE IS NOW HERE!!!

He has always been here. It was me who wasn't fulfilling my end of the relationship. Satan had me exactly where he wanted me for the past 17 years. I was spiraling down so fast. But the feeling I have right now of God is so different. I am just seeking Him as much as I can.

I know and understand now that God loves me. I know that He doesn't hate me like I have thought for so many years.

I thank God for CVC and the ministries in it. God has put certain people in my life and it has changed me so much. God is changing my life. CVC is doing great things. The evidence is that God can move and work in the life of a rape victim. God can work in anyone's life and change the hurt. I am an example of that.

Is life all great now? No. It feels as if some days I am walking through hell with what I am dealing with. God does not leave me, though. I know He is here. I am "engraved on the palms of His hands" (Isaiah 49:16). What an amazing verse!!!

God does not waste suffering. He did not waste it on the people who have helped me. And I know He will not waste mine.